


The Ghost of You

by Katiebug445



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Death, Endverse, I'm sorry I'm not good with the trigger warnings. There's a lot of stuff in this that might be bad., M/M, Please be warned, Sabriel - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, death mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-03
Updated: 2014-09-03
Packaged: 2018-02-15 23:56:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2248140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katiebug445/pseuds/Katiebug445
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been four years since Sam said yes to Lucifer. Gabriel isn't handling it well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ghost of You

_It had been nearly four years since Gabriel had last seen Sam Winchester. He was there the night that Sam had said yes to Lucifer, had begged so many times to get him to reconsider, but Sam had insisted on going anyways. "You're the one that said you didn't care who won. You just wanted it to be over, Gabriel. Do you remember that?" Sam had said. He could still hear the detachment in Sam's voice._

_"That was before you... Before us... Before you showed me the good of humanity..." Gabriel could still feel the terror he felt that night, his heart pounding faster with every passing second. "Please don't go, Sam. Please... I love you." He had pleaded._

_"Goodbye, Gabriel." Sam had left after that, and that was the last time Gabriel had ever seen him._

_He remembered feeling like he couldn't breathe as he watched Sam walk away. Gabriel made it until the door shut before his knees gave out and he fell to the ground in shock. He knew how this would end. He knew Michael wouldn't let Lucifer win. He knew before this was all over, he'd be burying Sam's body in a shallow grave._

_Gabriel had picked up his phone, and left one last message for Sam, one last plea for him to stop this, to come home and forget about it, and he waited. He waited all night for something to happen, to know if Sam would be back, or if he'd lose him. Finally, at nearly 4:00 in the morning, that something came._

_Gabriel could feel an excruciating pain all over his body, and his Grace felt as though it was constricting inside of him. He screamed in agony as light surrounded him, burning him from the inside out. After a moment, he fell in a heap on his bed, sobbing and knowing the worst had happened._

_Gabriel and Sam had bonded in their own special way. They exchanged the fancy handprint for a bond of spiritual nature once they had realized they were each other's soulmates. In an act of nothing but the purest form of trust, Gabriel was given a piece of Sam's soul, and Sam a piece of Gabriel's Grace to keep with them, to keep safe. The night that Sam went to Lucifer, that little piece of Gabriel died with him._

_~~~~~~~_

Gabriel woke in the dark, panting, gasping, and completely disoriented. "Sam?" He mumbled, reaching over to the other man's side of the bed. Instead of the body he was expecting, Gabriel was met with a fist full of sheets. He sighed, and reality crashed over him as it did most nights. Without a word, he reached over and groped the table beside his bed for his half-finished bottle of whiskey and took a long swig from it.

He closed his eyes as the liquid burned in his throat on the way down, paused a moment, and then took another drink. How many bottles had he gone through this week? Three? Four? He couldn't remember, and really, he didn't care.

Gabriel swung his legs over the side of his bed and stood, taking the bottle with him as he moved across the floor of his cabin, unable to sit there, staring at the empty side of the bed and just _wishing_ Sam could be there with him.

He moved to the table in the corner of the room and all but fell into the chair, whiskey bottle thumping against the wood as it was placed there. The only sounds in the cabin, and what felt like in the entire world, were the ones made by Gabriel himself; breathing, drinking, his heart beating... The silence was deafening and it was driving him crazy.

Gabriel finished his bottle and stumbled back into bed, pulling his thin little blanket around himself and curling up on his side, eyes closed as he waited for sleep to find him again. In all hopes, he would be too drunk to dream, or at least too drunk still when he woke up to remember them. He didn't know how many more mornings he could wake up having dreamed of Sam. It made things harder to deal with.

When Dean and Cas had found him on the outskirts of Detroit, he'd been blown out of his mind. He didn't remember a lot of it, all he knew was that his heart hurt, and that nothing felt like it mattered anymore because Sam was gone and he couldn't stop it. Dean hadn't taken too kindly to that.

Gabriel firmly believed that if Cas didn't stop him, Dean would have killed him that night. Nowadays, he wished he had. Anything would be better than this.

_"Gabriel,"_

His eyes shot open and Gabriel looked around his room, desperate for some indication that what he heard was true. "Sam?" he whispered desperately.

_"Help,"_

Gabriel shot out of bed and went after his shoes and jacket, ready to head out the door in search of the source of the voice, when the screaming started. Sam was screaming inside his head, begging for help and sounding so desperate and broken that it crippled Gabriel to the point he couldn't move.

He sat on his floor and whispered apologies to Sam instead of going after him. Tears splashed down his cheeks and he felt completely helpless, unsure of what to do or how to even find Sam if he went looking. "I'm sorry," he whimpered. "I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry."

The screams and the pleas were coupled with the sound of his brother laughing, and it went on for the rest of the night, rendering Gabriel unable to sleep.

~

Dean found him curled on the floor beside his bed, exhausted and shaking, the next morning.

He shook his head when he saw Gabriel laying there. "You're about pathetic," he growled. "Get up. There's gonna be a meeting in twenty. We've... We've got a problem." When Gabriel made no move, Dean kicked at him, trying to get him to his feet. "Twenty minutes, Gabriel."

Gabriel watched Dean's feet as he left, unable to bring himself to look up. Dean had never really been fond of Gabriel to begin with, but he tolerated him for Sam's sake. After Sam said yes, Dean held Gabriel personally accountable for it. He hated him. It was okay, though, Gabriel hated himself, too.

He pulled himself up off the floor and dragged himself over to the dresser, pulling out the clothes he would wear that day, and dressed robotically, his mind still on what had happened the previous night.

Gabriel was at Dean and Castiel's cabin on time, in fact with a few minutes to spare. Though he was the last to arrive, he thought that was pretty good. He took a seat near the back of the room, wondering if he would be able to maybe sleep while the others talked; if he missed anything, he figured he'd be able to ask Chuck about it later.

That was the plan, until he noticed that he was either seeing double, or there were one too many Dean Winchesters in the room. Gabriel's eyes flickered between the two of them, noticing the subtle little differences between the two men. "Holy shit," he said to himself.

Every pair of eyes in the room turned to him, including the doppleganger Dean, who looked just as confused as him.

"What's _he_ doing here?" He asked the other Dean with acid in his voice. It seems that whatever circle of hell this guy crawled out of, he wasn't fond of Gabriel either.  
Fearless Leader Dean smirked at his twin and hitched his thumb in Gabriel's direction. "Before Sam said yes to the devil, he was living with that piece of shit over there."

Other Dean's eyes went wide with shock and anger, and Gabriel braced himself for the chewing out he knew was coming. "What did you do?" He asked. "You convince Sam to say yes, you son of a bitch?"

"No!" Gabriel shouted, standing up. His own anger was rising inside of him and he glared murderously at both Deans. "You honestly think that I would do that to Sam? The man I _loved?!_ The man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with?!" His hands balled into fists. "I didn't want to lose Sam! I tried everything I had in me to stop him!" He could feel tears rising in his eyes, and it was getting harder for him to talk. "I _loved_ him, Dean! I still do! I miss him more every fucking day, and I lay awake at night wondering if there was something else I could have done to stop him! Sam was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. You don't have to like me, you don't even have to tolerate me, but don't you _ever_ think for a _goddamn second_ that I wanted Sam to do what he did that night."

Gabriel felt the tears spilling down his cheeks and he walked out of the cabin without another word. At the moment, he didn't care what happened. Dean could come follow him, beat the shit out of him, or even kill him. Hell, he welcomed it. He was tired of fighting. Fighting to stay alive, fighting to sleep through the night, fighting everything... All he wanted was Sam back. Sam made life bearable. Without him, everything was violence and turmoil.

Gabriel stumbled into his cabin and lay on his bed, his mind swimming with images and memories of Sam; his smile, his laugh, the way it felt when Sam held him at night, the light in his eyes when he was happy or excited... God, he missed him. He missed him, and it wasn't fair that right when he found what had been missing from his life for so long was taken from him just as quickly.

He didn't know when he started sobbing, but it didn't stop until well after the sun went down and his face felt so tight that it almost hurt. Gabriel went into his bathroom and splashed water on his face, washing the salt from his skin. He stared at himself in the mirror, and almost didn't recognize himself. How long had it been since he'd eaten a descent meal, or shaved, or even slept? He looked like death warmed over. _Dean's right,_ he thought, _I am pathetic._ Gabriel sighed and stepped away from the mirror, not willing to do anything about it tonight, and went to find more booze.

~

The pleading came with him that night, and the next night, and the next, and Gabriel was about at his wits end. He was out of alcohol to numb the pain, and he wasn't really in the mood to go bum some pills off of Cas - the guy had enough problems to deal with without him.

Gabriel had maybe had six hours of uninterrupted rest since Monday, when all of this started. He lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling, and let the morning sun warm him for a little while. His eyes were closed and he could hear Sam in his head - his Sam, not the one that came to him in the night. It was a memory of them, before things got bad.

They were out that night, in the middle of nowhere, laying on the hood of Sam's car and watching the stars. It was the middle of October, and they were almost freezing, but neither of them cared too much. Gabriel's hand was resting in Sam's, and Gabriel was sharing some of the names of the stars with the younger Winchester.

Gabriel turned his head to look at Sam and smiled at him, turning over onto his side so he could watch him for a little bit before he decided to curl closer to Sam, not stopping until he was right up against him. Gabriel lay there with his head on the other man's chest with his arm wrapped around his waist, and in return Sam brought his own arm around Gabriel and pressed a lingering kiss to the top of his head. To Gabriel, it was paradise.

"I love you. No matter what happens to me, don't forget that." Sam had told him.

At the time, it didn't seem out of the ordinary, but looking back, he should have known. "I love you too." Was all he said in reply.

They had stayed there until the sun started coming up, and then went home, showed, and they slept in until the early evening. When they woke, they had sex. It was one of the very last times Gabriel could remember them being intimate.

~  
Gabriel lay awake in his bed once again, having burned through 3/4 a bottle of whiskey the night before and still not having it be enough to dull Sam's screaming in his head. He'd given up trying to sleep hours ago, knowing it wouldn't do any good anyways, and just muddled through it. It eventually stopped, but it left Gabriel with this feeling that he was being useless sitting there while Sam was out there, alone, needing him.

~

Dean came for him around noon. Gabriel was still in bed, listening to Sam pleading for help again, when he heard the knocking. He sat up, eyes closed tightly and fingers pressed against his temples in an attempt to quiet the noise, and told the person to come inside.

When Gabriel looked up, Dean was standing there. It wasn't the Dean he expected to see. It was the Other Dean, the Doppleganger. Gabriel's face turned from painful to agitated, and he sat up straighter. "What do you want?" He asked.

"Where you really there the night Sam left?" He asked.

Gabriel sighed, taking a moment to think if he wanted to talk or not before getting up and motioning for Dean to follow him into the kitchen. "Yeah. Yeah, Dean, I was."

"What happened to him?"

Gabriel stared down at his hands as he began to speak, not able to really look Dean in the eyes out of guilt and because he didn't want Sam's brother to see him that vulnerable. "Sam had been acting.. Not Sam.... leading up to him saying yes. He... He pulled away from me. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and he'd be gone. It scared me. I thought...." Gabriel sighed. "I don't actually know what I thought. It's not important. But he - he wasn't himself at the end, Dean. He wasn't Sam anymore. I - I don't know what happened. I tried to talk to him the night he left. It didn't do any good. His mind had been made up at that point."

Dean was quiet for a moment, trying to think of how to word his next question. He finally asked: "How long were the two of you... the two of you?"

A bittersweet smile lit up Gabriel's face as he answered. "'Bout a year, year and a half before he..." He paused, taking a moment to compose himself before continuing. "You remember the incident in Ohio back in '09? He contacted me sometime after that. We... We kinda... we hit it off. After he left, he asked if I wanted to come with him, and I couldn't tell him no. I was in love with him. I would have followed him into Hell itself if he asked."

Neither of them said anything for a few moments, unable to think of anything to say. Gabriel was fighting back tears as he remembered the days when he and Sam had first gotten together, how happy he was, how much he loved him, how much he still did love him.  
"I meant what I said the other day, Dean. I never would have pushed Sam to say yes. I didn't want him to. It killed me to watch him leave like that."

"I believe you."

"Thank you." Gabriel replied. "I think it was almost easier, in the end," Gabriel said after a few more moments. "He wasn't him. He changed. It made it... well, it wasn't really easier, but it.. It was better, almost, knowing that it wasn't my Sam making that choice."  
Dean nodded gently, processing this. "Is there anything I can do to stop this?"

Gabriel shook his head. "I don't know, Dean. I really don't. I have begged Michael to help, your double has begged, I've tried to change things I don't know how many times..." Tears beaded in Gabriel's eyes and he tried to stop his lip quivering. "When you get home, give him a hug from me, alright? I just..." Gabriel shut down then, unable to continue. He knew this was probably his one chance with Sam, that when Dean went back, things would be different, destiny would be changed again, and he and Sam would never be. Though anything, even having Sam never know how he felt, would be better than this.

Dean nodded. "Okay, one more question, then I'l leave."

"Shoot."

"What's the deal with other me and Cas?"

Gabriel's face brightened considerably and he clapped Dean on the shoulder. "Oh, kiddo, have I got a story for you..."

~

Later that day, Original Dean called an emergency meeting with the others. Turns out, Lucifer was in the area, and they were all being called on a mission to end this. Gabriel had mixed feelings about going, knowing he would love to see Sam again, but also knowing the second he saw Lucifer he'd want to kill him for what he did, and almost tried to back out. Almost. The pull he felt to see Sam again was too intense to ignore.

~

After the meeting, Gabriel went back to his cabin to try getting some rest before they left. He kicked off his boots and lay down on his bed, feeling exhaustion getting the better of him.

 _"Gabriel."_ He heard Sam's voice in his head and his eyes flashed open. Something was different this time, though. Something inside him felt... alive, almost.

"Sam?" He replied desperately.

"Gabriel, listen to me. It's a trap. He's going to kill them. Gabriel... Don't let them come."

Gabriel could feel tears filling his eyes as the piece of Sam's soul he had reacted to the voice. It had to be Sam. It had to be. "Sam, talk to me." Gabriel whimpered.

There was silence for a moment, and then a warm _"Hi, Gabe."_

Gabriel let out a choked sob. It had been so long since Sam had called him that, so long since he'd shown him any affection at all. "I miss you. I miss you so much. Sam.. I love you. I still love you."

Light surrounded him and Gabriel closed his eyes for a moment, and opened them again to a new room, with soft, warm light shining in through a large window overlooking an unfamiliar city. A hand touched Gabriel's face and he leaned into it, immediately recognizing it as one of Sam's. He turned, and Sam was laying next to him in their old bed. "Sam." he whispered, wrapping his arms around the other man and holding him tightly. Oh god, it was him. It was actually him. He was holding him in his arms again.

Sam returned the hug, and Gabriel all but melted against him. "Hey." he held the angel tightly in his arms, pulling him up into his lap and clinging to him as if his life depended on it.

Gabriel pulled back just enough that he could see Sam's face and reached up with shaking hands, framing his face between them, and sobbed. "Sammy, it's really you. Oh god I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you." He wrapped his arms around him again and soaked up every second with Sam that he could, not knowing how long he would have this.

"I love you, too." Sam replied. "Gabe, I'm sorry. I never should have left you." They stayed locked in the embrace for several moments, and then Sam suddenly pulled back, coughing up blood.

"Sam?" Gabriel put his hand on the other's arm, concerned, and watched as Sam twisted with pain on their bed, as the screaming started again. Gabriel tried to move, to help his lover, but some force was holding him back. Sam continued to cough and spaz on the bed for several moments before he finally lay still, not breathing.

"Poor little brother," it was Lucifer's voice coming from behind him. Gabriel could feel his brother's hands on his arms, holding them behind his back in an attempt to keep him from Sam. "It's such a shame it had to end like this. He was a pretty thing, wasn't he?"

"Let me go, Lucifer." Gabriel growled at him.

"He loved you so much, it was almost pathetic. It almost started to make me sick, hearing it, watching his memories... He fought until the very end, you know? Convinced he would find a way back to you... To his little Gabe."

Gabriel could feel tears rising in his eyes again, unable to tear his eyes away from Sam's body laying beside him. "What do you want, brother?"

"To tell you that you can't win, no matter how hard you try." Lucifer whispered in his ear. "They're all going to die, little brother. Every. Single. One of them. And nothing you do can stop it. Dean Winchester will meet the devil tomorrow, and he will lose." Lucifer took a step away from Gabriel, and finally he was able to wrap his arms around Sam. "Goodbye, brother."

~

Gabriel came to in his room, sweating and tangled in his sheets. He took two shallow breaths before he broke down, a string of colorful language coming from his mouth as he pounded his fists into the mattress.

~

Castiel came to round him up later that night. Gabriel said nothing to his little brother, just grabbed his boots, gun, and blade and headed out the door of his cabin. Castiel made no attempt to talk to him, and the last Gabriel saw of him was getting into a vehicle with Other Dean. Gabriel said a silent goodbye and climbed into his own car.

He had insisted on driving alone,not unlike their Fearless Leader, to clear his head, he'd told them. In reality, Gabriel couldn't stand to see these people, people he knew and had befriended in their years at Camp Chitaqua, be led to their deaths like pigs to a slaughter.

He had a plan, though. He was going to meet the devil himself. Hopefully in time to save at least some of the others. If Dean couldn't stop him, maybe he could.

~

It was over before it even started. Gabriel had followed after Dean, hoping to be of some help if he needed it. His gun was raised in his hand as he hid in the bushes, waiting for a clear shot. But before he could do anything, Lucifer had Dean on the ground, and snapped his neck before he could pull the trigger.

Gabriel swallowed, closing his eyes for a moment to gather himself, and stepped out.

He knew it would be hard to see his brother inside of Sam's body, but he wasn't expecting it to hurt like it did. One look at Sam and he knew it wasn't him in there anymore. Gabriel gripped the handle of his blade tighter and took a defensive stance. "Brother," he greeted.

An amused smirk turned up the corners of Sam's - Lucifer's - face. "You never will learn, will you? You can't beat me, brother. You're not strong enough."

"Don't ever presume to know what I am." Gabriel replied, his voice low and dangerous.

Lucifer shook his head and made a move towards Gabriel, but stopped mid-lunge. He made another move to grab at his sword, but froze midway. When he looked back up at Gabriel, it was Sam looking back. Gabriel's grip on his weapon faltered for just a second, and his knees felt weak. "It's okay, Gabe. I've got him."

"Sam," Gabriel breathed, disbelieving that it was actually him.

"You're gonna have to kill me." Sam told him.

Gabriel closed his eyes and shook his head, already feeling the tears rising in his eyes. "Sam... I can't. I can't."

"Please, Gabe." Sam's voice was a plea that nearly broke Gabriel's heart. " _Please_. I can't do this anymore. I can't..."

Gabriel took a step forward, sniffling and reaching out to his lover. "Don't make me do this..."

Sam looked down at his angel and swallowed, reaching out to cup his face. "I'm so sorry." There were tears in his eyes as well. " _Please_ do it."

Gabriel didn't want to do this. He _couldn't_ do this. He couldn't kill Sam. Not now. Sam begged him again and Gabriel sobbed, bringing his sword up. "I love you, Sam." He whimpered, driving the blade deep into Sam's stomach. Light surrounded them both and burned in Sam's body as Lucifer was cast out, and Sam crumpled to the ground.

Gabriel dropped his weapon and fell to his knees in front of Sam, lifting his head into his lap. "I'm sorry."

Sam opened his eyes and smiled at Gabriel, weakly squeezing his arm. "Don't ever be sorry," he whispered.

Gabriel sobbed, brushing Sam's hair out of his face and shifted to make him a little more comfortable. "I love you Sam."

"I love you too." Sam coughed again.

Gabriel could feel part of his own self dimming, and realized it was the piece of Sam's soul he had fused with his Grace. "Don't leave me." he whimpered. "Sam, please. I need you."

"Shh." Sam hushed him, "It's okay." With one final squeeze, Gabriel watched as the last bit of life drained from Sam's eyes, and a piece of himself died with him.

"Sam?" Gabriel asked, shaking him gently. "Sam, don't... Sam, wake up." Gabriel shook him harder, even though he knew it was worthless. "Sam!" He screamed in agony, fists beating against the ground at the unfairness of it all. Gabriel wailed, begging and pleading with God to bring him back.

Eventually, when his voice was gone and his throat was raw, Gabriel leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to Sam's forehead, and lay his head against the dead man's chest, sobbing over him for what felt like hours.

~

When he finally lifted his head, it was dark and there was no sound aside from his own ragged breathing. Gabriel looked down at Sam's body and swallowed, knowing that he'd never be able to leave him alone like this. On shaky knees, Gabriel stood, hoisted Sam's body over his shoulder, and started walking.

~

It was nearly dawn when Gabriel finally made it back to Camp Chitaqua. Chuck was the first to meet him at the front, and said nothing to him as he walked by carrying Sam. Gabriel said nothing when someone asked what happened, just stopped briefly at Dean's cabin for a shovel and took Sam out behind his own, setting him down in the grass as he began to dig.

Chuck came by when it looked like Gabriel was finished digging the grave, and said a few words for him after Gabriel said goodbye. He stayed for a little while as Gabriel filled in the hole, occasionally asking a question or two about what happened. Gabriel told him that he was the only one to make it back alive, and told Chuck to send a team out to collect the rest of the bodies.

"Aren't you gonna go too?"

"I... I have something I have to do, Chuck."

He hesitated for a moment, but Chuck eventually nodded and left Gabriel to his thoughts, saying once more that he was sorry it ended like this for Sam.

~

When Gabriel was sure he was left alone in the camp, he went inside his cabin and grabbed two pieces of wood, a can of old paint, a pen and a piece of paper. He wrote a short note, then folded it up and held it tightly in his hand as he went back outside and sat beside Sam's grave.

He used the shoelaces on his shoes to hold the wood together, and painted a shaky "Sam" on one. He then placed it in the ground at the head of the grave, and took a breath as he weighed his options.

He could stay here and run the camp with someone else, maybe they could get the world back together after all. Gabriel only wished he knew how long that would take. Or, he thought, he could rest. Finally, after all of the years of hiding, lying, and death, he could rest. It sounded so good to him.

Gabriel sat on the ground beside Sam and smiled at him. "I love you." He whispered, reaching into the back of his jeans and pulling out a gun. He would be with Sam again soon. Gabriel closed his eyes, clutched his goodbye letter tighter in his hands, took a breath, and fired.


End file.
